Impossible Understanding... Be an Artist
There is a profound discovery in recognizing that no one else really understands you or sees you. At first, it can seem heartbreaking, then it becomes liberating.
Heartbreaking, because the conditioned confusion wants so badly to be seen, to be understood, and it spends an enormous amount of energy trying to be so. In many ways, one's entire life can revolve around seeking to accomplish this end.
Liberating, because you can stop trying, you can stop playing an impossible game and gently allow everyone to see whatever they see and understand whatever they understand. You can let go, completely.
"Wanting" someone else to understand me, or see me, is also like saying, "Don't see what you see, see what I want you to see. Don't be you, be what I want you to be so that I can satisfy my own illusions. Don't be free, be my prisoner."
Everything about you is like a piece of art, open to interpretation. The genuine artist doesn't create art to be seen or understood, the genuine artist creates art because there's no other option. It's only the insecure artist that looks for rewards beyond the gift of being free to create art.
This discovery shows me there is nothing to be captured in the world since all worldly prizes revolve around validating the ego's insatiable desire to be counted as real. Not wrong, just impossible... and painful.
For myself, as a way of pointing, this discovery brings me home to a place of absolute aloneness in the Heart of God. I see God, and God sees me, and this satisfies my soul in unspeakable ways. In a different way of pointing, I could say... "to truly see what I am, is to no longer need someone else to see it."
You see, this desire that says, "I want to be seen." In its deepest sincerity, is not about being seen by others, it's saying... "I want to see what I am. I want to connect with what is real about me. I want to see the truth, I want to come home so I can finally rest."
If... this is dependent on what others see, then I will be preoccupied with trying to make sure I feel understood, making sure people see me in a way that reflects how I want to be seen, or... me wanting them to see what I see. This only results in constantly (and unconsciously) trying to manipulate people and their way of seeing. There is no rest here, no peace, no real love.
It's absolutely innocent in nature, however, this confusion is the source of any relational suffering I might experience. The suffering is an alarm that invites me to see more clearly what is going on, and as I see more clearly what is going on, suffering subsides.
Innocently, the ego plays this game that in some way says... "If I think you understand me, I will love you and that will feel good. If I think you don't understand me, I will withhold love from you, and that feels painful." Thus is the sufferable life where love is never allowed to flow freely, it's always at threat of being withheld.
"I will love you, if" is not love. "I will love you, if." Says... "I don't love you right now, I will love you tomorrow if I get what I want."
These words are an encouragement to look beyond the world, beyond what we've been fearful taught about 'fitting in,' taught about our psychological need to be accepted by others. Understand, what we've been taught is not what is real or true, we've been taught according to the level of understanding of those who came before us.
We were born into a world of confusion where the basic assumption is that love comes from the outside, and we are separate from what we crave, we are separate from God and must prove our worthiness. We were innocently born into an environment of ego's all struggling for an impossible survival, while they all pretended to be god.
Look beyond the conditioning, look beyond the search, and question if what you're searching for is even a real thing. Maybe... everything you truly want, everything you hope for, is already given; already done.
Q. So Tiger.... how do you make this move from wanting love from without to truly feeling it from within, from oneness with God? Because I get the realization, I feel the heartbreak and loneliness of knowing I can’t seek it outside of me. I have done for some time. I understand that real love is from within, from connection with source, but, truly connecting to that as a direct touchable love source seems elusive. I feel like I am limbo, not in one place or the other. How did you fully connect to that love? Or do I have misconceptions about what that God source love feels like? Am I already feeling it but not acknowledging it because it is way more subtle than ego sourced love?
Honestly, I don't see it as a move that can be made. As in, "I see it, and will now only operate that way." The conditioning is too deeply rooted. Because of that, maybe more so, I would invite a self-compassion for the confusion, with a willingness to continue a path of self-honesty about the real issue.
Then, through grace, it will be what it will be. For myself, I don't see it as anything I've 'done.' And... I don't see myself as "totally there yet", as if what I'm pointing to is a particular destination. More so, the invitation isn't about becoming this or that, or only seeing this or that. Rather... the invitation is to... just see what you can see right now, and let grace take care of the rest.
I think in many ways, it's a path of continued humility, rather than a path with a destination. Practically, however, (it might not be so practical for others) this transition that lets go of the outer world, is a direct result of seeing the outer world doesn't really have what I want. Which, if anything, is a willingness to see that. Here's the kicker though, in truly seeing that I must also forgive the world. Not in a way that also blames them, but in a way that says... "I was blaming you as having something I want, oh my goodness, I'm sorry. I thought you were wrong, I thought you were in the way, I thought you were less than perfect. Thank you, for being exactly as you are." Then... I go home and, in some way, repeat the same message of forgiveness to myself.
Often, the hindrance is the opposite, it's a... "I don't want to see that, because I want what I want. I'm convinced the world or other people have something I want or need, and I'm willing to suffer over it until I get it." It's when the suffering becomes too great, that we become open to finally see; then, oftentimes, we find some relief in the truth but go right back to being in service to the ego. (which is innocently fine, it's just time for another round 🤪) Also, it's probably wise to mention that this transition, is not a one-time thing (a destination). I think a lot of people look for a solution that's permanent, rather than looking for a solution that deals with the present moment calling. It's like... "help me wake up in the future so I know I'll be awake tomorrow. That's how I will relax. If I just focus on waking up now, at this moment, that doesn't do anything for my future."
I wouldn't say that I've fully connected to that love, I wouldn't say anybody has or even can. Such a love expands into infinity, so we are merely experiencing a refined understanding of that love more and more; it's never-ending.